Retreat to fantasy, when the reality is too painful to believe.
I wish I can stay in there forever, where there's only happiness and peace.
I wish I can stay in there forever,
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Change of Routine
The stress created by change of routine on austistic people is well-known, but I've never realised if change of routine has any particular effect on me until today.
My clinical partner, Olivia, was sick.
Stef and Renee helped me out. They were both very nice people. I like them. However, the change of DA created an unbelievable stress. After a while, Stef has to see her patient, so Julien helped out. Julien is really good, he taught me a lot of techniques. However, the second change totally killed me. My stress level soared to 9/10.
Glad it's over now.
Autism sucks. It really does.
They are times that I can ignore it, and there are times, like today, I just cannot deny it anymore. It's there. I'm autistic.
My clinical partner, Olivia, was sick.
Stef and Renee helped me out. They were both very nice people. I like them. However, the change of DA created an unbelievable stress. After a while, Stef has to see her patient, so Julien helped out. Julien is really good, he taught me a lot of techniques. However, the second change totally killed me. My stress level soared to 9/10.
Glad it's over now.
Autism sucks. It really does.
They are times that I can ignore it, and there are times, like today, I just cannot deny it anymore. It's there. I'm autistic.
Moving House
I feel so fucking lonely. Haven't feel like this for quite a while. Depressed and angry.
I'm moving house, and I'm all alone. Rarely anyone offers help and if they do, I can't tell if they're genuine or just being polite. Stupid Aspergers.
Seeing people in uni just stresses me to the max.
I tried and then I just feel so angry towards my inability of socialising.
I'll never be part of any group, it's just in my dream, forever.
Sometimes I wish I don't have to wake up and face the reality, the disability.
The disability that no one can see and no one really cares.
At this very moment, I wish I am not an Aspie. At this very moment, I cannot deny it anymore. It's there, I can feel it, I can see it. It's inside me, it's the whole me.
I hate it.
I hate it that no one can sympathised with it... I hate it that no one can see through Asperger.
Except for him, who sees through all the disability and sees the real me.
I'm moving house, and I'm all alone. Rarely anyone offers help and if they do, I can't tell if they're genuine or just being polite. Stupid Aspergers.
Seeing people in uni just stresses me to the max.
I tried and then I just feel so angry towards my inability of socialising.
I'll never be part of any group, it's just in my dream, forever.
Sometimes I wish I don't have to wake up and face the reality, the disability.
The disability that no one can see and no one really cares.
At this very moment, I wish I am not an Aspie. At this very moment, I cannot deny it anymore. It's there, I can feel it, I can see it. It's inside me, it's the whole me.
I hate it.
I hate it that no one can sympathised with it... I hate it that no one can see through Asperger.
Except for him, who sees through all the disability and sees the real me.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Change My Name
I seriously want to change my English name, since it's not my legal name yet (just nickname) so it shouldn't be too hard.
I really don't like my current English name, it's old fashioned (granny's name) and stupid.
I like Sophie.
But my bf doesn't want me to change :(
I'll fight him through. Seriously, I'm sick of my own name, both Chinese name and English name. Both very old fashioned and stupid. Sorry parents, I just don't like the name you guys chose.
I really don't like my current English name, it's old fashioned (granny's name) and stupid.
I like Sophie.
But my bf doesn't want me to change :(
I'll fight him through. Seriously, I'm sick of my own name, both Chinese name and English name. Both very old fashioned and stupid. Sorry parents, I just don't like the name you guys chose.
Happenings
I went back to Dr.Eyears this afternoon for re-evaluation of the suitability of my new medication.
Apparently he didn't think my idea of "taking my dream back" was a good idea. He said that becoming a doctor does not mean finding your meaning of life.
I guess he's partially right, but I'm still going for my dream. And I believe I'll find my answer along the way.
A lot of happenings tomorrow. Clinic, dental material supplementary exam, extra drilling practise session and then Sam's Birthday Party.
I still haven't figure out what I'm going to do with the party. What I'm going to wear and am I going to drink or not. I mean, there's no fun going to a party not drinking. But how do I get home if I drink?
Kumo kept distructing the pee pads when I go to uni. I really don't know what to do about it, he doesn't do it when I'm at home so I can't punish him. He konws it's wrong to destroy the pee pads, but he still do it...just like naughty little kids :P
Dr.Underwood want me to monitor my anxiety level. I would say about a 4.5 in uni, and 3 at home.
Apparently he didn't think my idea of "taking my dream back" was a good idea. He said that becoming a doctor does not mean finding your meaning of life.
I guess he's partially right, but I'm still going for my dream. And I believe I'll find my answer along the way.
A lot of happenings tomorrow. Clinic, dental material supplementary exam, extra drilling practise session and then Sam's Birthday Party.
I still haven't figure out what I'm going to do with the party. What I'm going to wear and am I going to drink or not. I mean, there's no fun going to a party not drinking. But how do I get home if I drink?
Kumo kept distructing the pee pads when I go to uni. I really don't know what to do about it, he doesn't do it when I'm at home so I can't punish him. He konws it's wrong to destroy the pee pads, but he still do it...just like naughty little kids :P
Dr.Underwood want me to monitor my anxiety level. I would say about a 4.5 in uni, and 3 at home.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Prove
I want to prove something, but I don't know what to prove.
Since the day I rejected the medical offer from the University of Western Sydney, my one and only dream had died.
It was killed by my parents, my bf, the reality, and myself.
I hate reality. I love dreaming. I can dream large and I can do large.
I have proved everyone else on the earth wrong and got offers from medical school. Now what? I rejected it. I didn't stand up for my dream.
Well, I did, but not strong enough.
Do I regret it? It's useless regreting it.
Now I'm confused. Now I don't know what to do with life. I didn't want to be a dentist. I kinda like it because I convinced myself to like it. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. My one and only dream has died, and I can't come up another one.
I killed my dream with my own hands. I can't believe it. I dream for my whole life to be a doctor, and I work my heart out to get it. And I killed it because my parents and bf were against it?
What the ****?
Stupid Melbi, why the **** did you kill your dream? You live upon it! You killed your own life source.
I'm a dreamer, not a realist. Don't tell me to do something for a wealthy and relaxed life, because that's not what I want. If you don't agree, then leave me alone. From now on I'm going to follow my dream, whatever that will be, I will never give it up, ever. I will nurish it till the day it grows tall and strong.
Till the day, my dream come true.
Now, before that, I must study hard and finish the ******* dentistry degree. At least have something that can feed me.
Since the day I rejected the medical offer from the University of Western Sydney, my one and only dream had died.
It was killed by my parents, my bf, the reality, and myself.
I hate reality. I love dreaming. I can dream large and I can do large.
I have proved everyone else on the earth wrong and got offers from medical school. Now what? I rejected it. I didn't stand up for my dream.
Well, I did, but not strong enough.
Do I regret it? It's useless regreting it.
Now I'm confused. Now I don't know what to do with life. I didn't want to be a dentist. I kinda like it because I convinced myself to like it. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. My one and only dream has died, and I can't come up another one.
I killed my dream with my own hands. I can't believe it. I dream for my whole life to be a doctor, and I work my heart out to get it. And I killed it because my parents and bf were against it?
What the ****?
Stupid Melbi, why the **** did you kill your dream? You live upon it! You killed your own life source.
I'm a dreamer, not a realist. Don't tell me to do something for a wealthy and relaxed life, because that's not what I want. If you don't agree, then leave me alone. From now on I'm going to follow my dream, whatever that will be, I will never give it up, ever. I will nurish it till the day it grows tall and strong.
Till the day, my dream come true.
Now, before that, I must study hard and finish the ******* dentistry degree. At least have something that can feed me.
Acceptance
Dr.Underwood said I got to accept autism, got to accept the fact that I'm always going to have great difficulties in socialising, and the fact the life is going to be hard as always. It will get better eventually, but not fast.
It's still quite surreal to me...I mean autism...I still cannot fully accept it.
Neither can my parents.
We're still living in the dream that this kid (me) was born perfectly healthy.
It's still quite surreal to me...I mean autism...I still cannot fully accept it.
Neither can my parents.
We're still living in the dream that this kid (me) was born perfectly healthy.
New Medication
I think my new ADHD medication is making me suicidal as the psychiatrist mentioned. I'm feeling quite aweful right now. But no one around me will know. Coz no one around me read my blog. No one cares. Even my bf rarely read it or read it only I tell him to.
It doesn't matter anyway, I have my Kumo.
Actually, it does.
I wish there are someone here hugging me warm and tight.
That's all it matters at this very moment.
But it ain't going to happen, I know that.
And that makes me suicidal.
It doesn't matter anyway, I have my Kumo.
Actually, it does.
I wish there are someone here hugging me warm and tight.
That's all it matters at this very moment.
But it ain't going to happen, I know that.
And that makes me suicidal.
Comsumed by Loneliness, Again
I feel a huge wave of loneliness coming towards me for the first time since I've got Kumo. I don't know what to do, as usual. Haven't feel like this for a long time. I'm scared that the loneliness will eat me up.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to call my parents. It's not very useful calling my bf in this situation. It's useless calling anyone.
All I need right now is a warm hug.
Won't get any tonight, I know. Sucks.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to call my parents. It's not very useful calling my bf in this situation. It's useless calling anyone.
All I need right now is a warm hug.
Won't get any tonight, I know. Sucks.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Hear My Voice
I hope you can hear my voice.
Accept me and like me as who I am.
I hope we can be friends.
Accept me and like me as who I am.
I hope we can be friends.
Fortnightly Professional Visit Update
So I'm now seeing Dr.Eyears (psychiatrist) and Dr.Underwood (clinical psychologist) on a regular basis, every fortnight, and extra session if needed.
Dr.Eyears Update
It has come to a conclusion that Seroquel wasn't suitable for me. New approach and new medication this time. It's a medication for ADHD called Strattera, hope it'll finally work out.
Dr.Eyears was a bit scared of me when he first saw me as I was acting weird, playing with the puppets in his room and refused to give it back. He has come to a conclusion that I was only doing that because of extremely high level of anxiety. Now I can feel that he's much more comfortable with me. He might not be the best psychiatrist in the world, but I can feel that he's trying his best to do the best for me, and I'm very happy for that. I can feel that he cares about me as a patient and he cares about my future.
Dr.Underwood's Update
Dr.Underwood and I spend most of the session talking about my anxiety at uni. My days at uni for the past one week has not been good. Dr.Underwood talked to me about coping mechanism, and I'm about to test it out from now no, hope it works. Dr.Underwood also asked me to see him again tomorrow. I went back to uni and tried the strategies Dr.Underwood taught me and had a much better uni day than before :)
It's raining again. This is Kumo's second time in his life seeing rain. Last time he was terrified. This time he walked to the balcony and taste, smell and feel the rain. He came back into the house with wet foot, but I didn't mind. Now he knows what rain is :)
Dr.Eyears Update
It has come to a conclusion that Seroquel wasn't suitable for me. New approach and new medication this time. It's a medication for ADHD called Strattera, hope it'll finally work out.
Dr.Eyears was a bit scared of me when he first saw me as I was acting weird, playing with the puppets in his room and refused to give it back. He has come to a conclusion that I was only doing that because of extremely high level of anxiety. Now I can feel that he's much more comfortable with me. He might not be the best psychiatrist in the world, but I can feel that he's trying his best to do the best for me, and I'm very happy for that. I can feel that he cares about me as a patient and he cares about my future.
Dr.Underwood's Update
Dr.Underwood and I spend most of the session talking about my anxiety at uni. My days at uni for the past one week has not been good. Dr.Underwood talked to me about coping mechanism, and I'm about to test it out from now no, hope it works. Dr.Underwood also asked me to see him again tomorrow. I went back to uni and tried the strategies Dr.Underwood taught me and had a much better uni day than before :)
It's raining again. This is Kumo's second time in his life seeing rain. Last time he was terrified. This time he walked to the balcony and taste, smell and feel the rain. He came back into the house with wet foot, but I didn't mind. Now he knows what rain is :)
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sometimes
Sometimes I wonder if anyone I know in real life actually read this blog. Anyone who has been given this blog by me. If anyone cares enough to spend time to read it. I hope someone does.
Thank you, for caring about me :)
Thank you, for caring about me :)
Letter to Dr.Underwood
So Dr.Underwood refused to see me at first as he already has a super long waiting list, but I didn't give up. I talked to him and he told me to send an email summerising my problems. Well, that was a hard task, I have a thousand problems... So this is the email I typed up. Dr.Underwood said it was beautiful and he agreed to see me :)
Hi Dr.Underwood,
I've typed many emails but none of them were brief. Since I'm kinda in a very weird mood. Or I should point out more clearly, suicidal and angry, I should be able to type a very brief email.
I work very hard to achieve what I am today. I look fine from the outside, and maybe fine from the inside too. That's just what I look like, in reality, I'm a big mess, and the biggest threat to myself. I feel strongly that any minute I could done something to screw up whatever I have achieved.
I agree that it is more valuable for you to see kids. I was once a kid too, not too many years ago. And when I was a kid, I wasn't lucky enough to have someone like you to assist me in dealing with life.
I still feel like a kid. I still live in my imaginary animal world. I hope I can be in there forever. I hope I never have to come out. I don't know if I'm strong or weak. Sometimes strong, sometimes weak.
I'm lost in my own forest. And once I give up finding the way and the food, I'll die. Good thing is, I haven't give up yet, because I'm typing this email to you.
There won't be any problem with money, I have talked to my parents about it, and they agree to pay the full amount, and any extras if required.
I'm happy with this email. Very brief.
I look forward for your reply.
Yours sincerely,
***** ****(real name) or Melbi, my name in my world
Note: Dr.Underwood later on stated that he also sees adults.
Hi Dr.Underwood,
I've typed many emails but none of them were brief. Since I'm kinda in a very weird mood. Or I should point out more clearly, suicidal and angry, I should be able to type a very brief email.
I work very hard to achieve what I am today. I look fine from the outside, and maybe fine from the inside too. That's just what I look like, in reality, I'm a big mess, and the biggest threat to myself. I feel strongly that any minute I could done something to screw up whatever I have achieved.
I agree that it is more valuable for you to see kids. I was once a kid too, not too many years ago. And when I was a kid, I wasn't lucky enough to have someone like you to assist me in dealing with life.
I still feel like a kid. I still live in my imaginary animal world. I hope I can be in there forever. I hope I never have to come out. I don't know if I'm strong or weak. Sometimes strong, sometimes weak.
I'm lost in my own forest. And once I give up finding the way and the food, I'll die. Good thing is, I haven't give up yet, because I'm typing this email to you.
There won't be any problem with money, I have talked to my parents about it, and they agree to pay the full amount, and any extras if required.
I'm happy with this email. Very brief.
I look forward for your reply.
Yours sincerely,
***** ****(real name) or Melbi, my name in my world
Note: Dr.Underwood later on stated that he also sees adults.
The Happy Part of My Life
My puppy, Kumo!
Even I'm starving to death after uni, I would still go home instead of dining out, just to see Kumo a bit sooner.
I love him. I love being with animals because they don't pretend. They don't shake their tails while being angry at you. Shaking tails means happy, nothing else. I don't have to dig my brain out to figure out what they're thinking, what they're hiding behind the surface, or what they're implying under the words.
There are no Autism in animals, because every animals are autisitc. They are honest and non-verbal :D
Even I'm starving to death after uni, I would still go home instead of dining out, just to see Kumo a bit sooner.
I love him. I love being with animals because they don't pretend. They don't shake their tails while being angry at you. Shaking tails means happy, nothing else. I don't have to dig my brain out to figure out what they're thinking, what they're hiding behind the surface, or what they're implying under the words.
There are no Autism in animals, because every animals are autisitc. They are honest and non-verbal :D
Exhausion
Just like the doctor said, uni takes a whole lot of energy from me. Not listening to lectures or doing lab work, but interacting with people takes a tramendous amount of energy from my brain. Anyway, I don't know how to explain this exactly.
I'm so tired now, from being in uni whole day, from being around people.
Austism sucks.
I'm so tired now, from being in uni whole day, from being around people.
Austism sucks.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Running Away
I feel like the little me, running away from the classroom, hiding in a quiet corner of the campus, wishing that she could disappear...
Wishing that she's not where she is.
Wishing that she coulde escape to her own imaginary world, stay there, and feel safe.
Wishing that she's not where she is.
Wishing that she coulde escape to her own imaginary world, stay there, and feel safe.
University = Hell
I hate uni big time. Every moment I spend here just remind me how disable I am. I feel so isolated here.
I can't stay in prosthetic lab anymore. There are people talking everywhere, and my autistic brain just can't handle it anymore.
But who would understand how I feel? No one.
Uni is hell to me. It's the worst place to be. It's killing me yet keeping me alive.
But who would understand how I feel? No one.
Would you try to understand though?
I can't stay in prosthetic lab anymore. There are people talking everywhere, and my autistic brain just can't handle it anymore.
But who would understand how I feel? No one.
Uni is hell to me. It's the worst place to be. It's killing me yet keeping me alive.
But who would understand how I feel? No one.
Would you try to understand though?
Monday, July 19, 2010
Supplementary Exam
So I fell into tears after realising that I have failed subjects and there are 3 supplementary exams in the next two days.
Now, I shall study hard for supplementary exams, let go of the past, but not forgetting the lessons, and keep moving forward.
Obstacles are there to strenghten you, to prepare you for a bigger future.
Now, I shall study hard for supplementary exams, let go of the past, but not forgetting the lessons, and keep moving forward.
Obstacles are there to strenghten you, to prepare you for a bigger future.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
The Melbi Spirit, IS BACK!
Melbi's gonna become a great dentist
Melbi's gonna grow strong and independent
Melbi's gonna walk out of depression and anxiety
and become a BIG Melbi who is capable of taking care of herself and others
Melbi refuses to compromise
Melbi refuses to be victimised
Melbi refuses to stay in her comfort zone
Melbi is going to walk out of the shell, become a GIANT Melbi; you can defeat her physically, but never spiritually. NEVER!
Melbi's gonna grow strong and independent
Melbi's gonna walk out of depression and anxiety
and become a BIG Melbi who is capable of taking care of herself and others
Melbi refuses to compromise
Melbi refuses to be victimised
Melbi refuses to stay in her comfort zone
Melbi is going to walk out of the shell, become a GIANT Melbi; you can defeat her physically, but never spiritually. NEVER!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I wish I was never born
Dad should have drain half of me down the shower instead of having some warm time with Mum the night I was created.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Green Day Out, Tugun Support Group & Others
I have been feeling totally Aspie and decided to hide myself in my nutshell for the rest of the month. Somehow I managed to give Matthew a call in the morning and he persuaded me to get out of the shell this afternoon to the Green Day Out and Tugun support group. I said alright...but then I got so Aspie and sleepy after lunch and decided to stay in the nut shell...and sleep with Kumo for a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Matt called me again because he didn't see me at the Green Day Out, and then I was like...alright...maybe I really should drag myself out of the Aspie hiding misery. So I went to the Green Day Out with Matt and James, both lovely Aspies :D I bought some stuff and was quite interested in going to yoga again...but can't find anyone to go with me. In my experience, it's not very motivating going to things like yoga by yourself. I was hoping that Matt would go with me, but he wants to go with another guy. Fair enough.
We all headed to the Tugun meeting afterwards. I wasn't feeling well, took two Valium and still feeling distress and anxious. So I left and went to the park next to the meeting place and play on the swing, my favourite childhood activity, and sang songs. I returned just 10 mins before the meeting finishes. Ok...and then I had a break out...I don't want to talk about it because I'm so ashamed of it. I can't believe I said the F word...I would never say the F word... I was so angry suddenly and couldn't control it. Yes, I have serious anger and impulse control and I hate myself for that.
So the day ended pretty lousy, but I didn't regret that I went out. It's good to go out and interact with people. I got home and felt like vomitting really bad, and very drowsy. I called Kolin to ask for help and he asked me if I've forgotten taking any medication which reminded me that I didn't take anti-depressant this morning. There you go! Still feeling very sick, so I'll end it here.
Oh, last words, sucks that there's no female Aspie at Tugun meeting. There's one mature lady but she just talked to other parents in another room and didn't join our conversation. I hope the "teddy bear girl" will eventually show up! I want to meet female Aspie...afterall, male Aspie is quite different from female Aspie.
Matt called me again because he didn't see me at the Green Day Out, and then I was like...alright...maybe I really should drag myself out of the Aspie hiding misery. So I went to the Green Day Out with Matt and James, both lovely Aspies :D I bought some stuff and was quite interested in going to yoga again...but can't find anyone to go with me. In my experience, it's not very motivating going to things like yoga by yourself. I was hoping that Matt would go with me, but he wants to go with another guy. Fair enough.
We all headed to the Tugun meeting afterwards. I wasn't feeling well, took two Valium and still feeling distress and anxious. So I left and went to the park next to the meeting place and play on the swing, my favourite childhood activity, and sang songs. I returned just 10 mins before the meeting finishes. Ok...and then I had a break out...I don't want to talk about it because I'm so ashamed of it. I can't believe I said the F word...I would never say the F word... I was so angry suddenly and couldn't control it. Yes, I have serious anger and impulse control and I hate myself for that.
So the day ended pretty lousy, but I didn't regret that I went out. It's good to go out and interact with people. I got home and felt like vomitting really bad, and very drowsy. I called Kolin to ask for help and he asked me if I've forgotten taking any medication which reminded me that I didn't take anti-depressant this morning. There you go! Still feeling very sick, so I'll end it here.
Oh, last words, sucks that there's no female Aspie at Tugun meeting. There's one mature lady but she just talked to other parents in another room and didn't join our conversation. I hope the "teddy bear girl" will eventually show up! I want to meet female Aspie...afterall, male Aspie is quite different from female Aspie.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Maze & Map
I wish there's a map for this big complicated maze, at least I'll know where I am going.
Maze after maze. I walked out of a maze only to realise that I'm still in a maze.
It will probably be easier if I have a map, but I'll have to figure out where I am on the map first.
22 years...sometimes I feel that I'll never be able to walk out of this maze and embrace the freedom.
But I must not give up yet.
Maze after maze. I walked out of a maze only to realise that I'm still in a maze.
It will probably be easier if I have a map, but I'll have to figure out where I am on the map first.
22 years...sometimes I feel that I'll never be able to walk out of this maze and embrace the freedom.
But I must not give up yet.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Exhausted
I'm exhausted. I'm sick of dealing with myself. I just want to rest, or escape.
Why can't I just escape all these like other people do? Smoking, drinking, drugging...
Or just quit uni...
Or just end it all...
Which one is better? The bottom line is, I don't want to deal with it anymore. I give up fighting for now. You hear me? I give up. I don't want to go to psychologist anymore. I don't want to take medication. I don't want to do a thing. I had enough.
Give me a break. After fighting for 10 years, I need a break. Just let me rest.
Why can't I just escape all these like other people do? Smoking, drinking, drugging...
Or just quit uni...
Or just end it all...
Which one is better? The bottom line is, I don't want to deal with it anymore. I give up fighting for now. You hear me? I give up. I don't want to go to psychologist anymore. I don't want to take medication. I don't want to do a thing. I had enough.
Give me a break. After fighting for 10 years, I need a break. Just let me rest.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Thanks guys!
Hey guys,
Not sure how many people are reading this, but I've actually been quite unwell for the past month. I just failed lab exam which is quite upsetting, and didn't do well in drilling exam as well, but I've decided to keep my spirit up! Many high functioning Aspies I knew didn't finished uni because of all the social issues and psychological complications, but some of them did and accomplished great achievement. I want to do Aspies proud, finish dentistry and become a respected dentist.
Special thanks for those who has been helping me with uni stuff, lecture notes, lab notes, workshop answers, revision notes, and encouragement.
Special thanks for those who comforted me on the phone while I was crying like a baby.
Special thanks for those who never left me until I found peace and happiness.
And special special special thanks for my parents who gave me the best gift - Kumo - my puppy which has been a great and loving accompany!
Because of you that I have the courage to keep my head up and step forward with faith. Thank you all!
Not sure how many people are reading this, but I've actually been quite unwell for the past month. I just failed lab exam which is quite upsetting, and didn't do well in drilling exam as well, but I've decided to keep my spirit up! Many high functioning Aspies I knew didn't finished uni because of all the social issues and psychological complications, but some of them did and accomplished great achievement. I want to do Aspies proud, finish dentistry and become a respected dentist.
Special thanks for those who has been helping me with uni stuff, lecture notes, lab notes, workshop answers, revision notes, and encouragement.
Special thanks for those who comforted me on the phone while I was crying like a baby.
Special thanks for those who never left me until I found peace and happiness.
And special special special thanks for my parents who gave me the best gift - Kumo - my puppy which has been a great and loving accompany!
Because of you that I have the courage to keep my head up and step forward with faith. Thank you all!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Trapezius, Shopping and Dog
Neck and back pain are back again. I started wondering if my right trapezius injury had ever fully recovered. Or maybe I should get a new pillow and see how it goes.
I haven’t go shopping for quite a long time and I feel like it’s time to go shopping again! So I’m off to pacific fair either tomorrow after exam or Tuesday. I will get a new pillow and I want to get the most comfortable pillow in the world because with neck and back pain I will not be able to perform any dental procedure. The other thing I want to get is PJs for winter, it’s getting freezing cold here.
I have made a decision that I will get a dog from the pond (where all the abandoned dogs are).
I haven’t go shopping for quite a long time and I feel like it’s time to go shopping again! So I’m off to pacific fair either tomorrow after exam or Tuesday. I will get a new pillow and I want to get the most comfortable pillow in the world because with neck and back pain I will not be able to perform any dental procedure. The other thing I want to get is PJs for winter, it’s getting freezing cold here.
I have made a decision that I will get a dog from the pond (where all the abandoned dogs are).
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Hi Valium
So I went to uni, ended up ringing GP for emergency after two hours.
Dr. Thomas had to sacrifice her lunch break to see me.
I got the famous Valium (diazepam) this time. Dr. Thomas would never prescribe such strong drug to me unless she thinks it’s real serious. She also rang up the psychiatrist to request a priority consultation. Normally I had to wait more than one month to see a psychiatrist, but now I get to see the psychiatrist in two weeks time. Dr. Thomas wants me to see her again on Saturday. I booked the earliest appointment at 8:00am so I can still go to museum with my fellow Aspie friends.
So I missed another two lab sessions. I want to go back to the 4-7pm session to finish the edentulous denture. I have no idea why the condition has worsened so much recently…but I am determined to get through this semester.
Last words: I was frightened in uni, even a simple eye contact freaked me out. I guess it is ok if others can’t understand what you’re going through…can’t ask so much from people. At least I have all the Aspies in the world who knows exactly how I feel and my parents and Kolin who support me unconditionally. That’s more than I can ask for.
Dr. Thomas had to sacrifice her lunch break to see me.
I got the famous Valium (diazepam) this time. Dr. Thomas would never prescribe such strong drug to me unless she thinks it’s real serious. She also rang up the psychiatrist to request a priority consultation. Normally I had to wait more than one month to see a psychiatrist, but now I get to see the psychiatrist in two weeks time. Dr. Thomas wants me to see her again on Saturday. I booked the earliest appointment at 8:00am so I can still go to museum with my fellow Aspie friends.
So I missed another two lab sessions. I want to go back to the 4-7pm session to finish the edentulous denture. I have no idea why the condition has worsened so much recently…but I am determined to get through this semester.
Last words: I was frightened in uni, even a simple eye contact freaked me out. I guess it is ok if others can’t understand what you’re going through…can’t ask so much from people. At least I have all the Aspies in the world who knows exactly how I feel and my parents and Kolin who support me unconditionally. That’s more than I can ask for.
The Break Down
Last night I had the biggest break down in three years of University life. I cried for hours and hours continuously, went through every contact on my phonebook to search for help, but made no progress. I had the sharpest kitchen knife on my right hand, facing the pumping artery on my left hand. Tears are running, hands are shaking… I dropped the knife on the floor and call 000 before I can pick the knife up again.
A friend with Asperger Syndrome sent me this message that touched a very deep part of my heart:
Hearing you cry on the phone to me was unimaginable distressing. I hope the people you hung up on me were able to get you through this difficult time! I have decided that I will not send the police over to your place and place you under suicide watch. If I’m wrong about this I am cursed for life.
We had the deal that you were going to try the hug machine* tomorrow!
And learn to meditate
And meet Quatermass
And learn to balance on the wobbleboard
And the million other things we talked about
This life is so complex…
Some Aspies** accept that as their doom
But others, for example,
Those who are competent enough to become a dentist
Call me back in the morning
When they are finished mourning
Those precious ideas we had when we dreamed we were normal
*Hug Machine
Invented by Gardin Temple, the most famous autistic person on earth. It is based on the stress relieving effect when cattle squeeze through a pressured tube. Gardin made a hug machine to relieve stress herself. It is now used for anxiety treatment for people with autism, especially children.
**Aspie
People with Asperger Syndrome.
This morning I went to the Gold Coast Sport and Recreation Centre (a place for people with disability) for the first time and met Cheryl, a loving mum with an Asperger son. I was quite scared of her at first, but the way she talked and the way she hugged me opened my little Asperger heart.
She said” I told my son, you are on Mars, I am on Earth. You’ll never come to Earth and I’ll never go to Mars. The only way for us to communicate is to build a bridge in between.”
Her son is now the ambassador of the Australia Paralympics team.
I didn’t get to use the hug machine, because it got damaged by some sneaky animals, but I had a great morning with Aspies and Mum of Aspies. When I was sitting on the lawn with them next to the Gold Coast Sport and Recreation building, although it is just off the road from Queen street, I felt like I’m somewhere far away from Southport, somewhere secure and tranquil. It felt like a shelter.
Saw GP and I’m admitted to psychiatrist again. The waiting list to see a psychiatrist is always incredibly long. I booked in on 14th of July. It’s kind of sad that I’m getting so bad that the GP cannot handle me anymore, but on the other side I’m happy, for some reason. Got two new prescriptions. The GP was going to change my current anti-depressant Pristiq, but I refused because pristiq actually helped me a lot. So he gave me two new drugs to help with anxiety, a beta-blocker and a sleeping pill.
I probably freaked whoever I called last night out (terribly sorry…), but I did my best and I kept myself alive…so I am proud of myself! For years I have been so harsh on myself. I blamed mum for being harsh on me without realising that I’m harsh on myself as well. Now I just want to be myself, live free, and do my best. Whatever happens, I have tried my best, and I’m getting better, slowly.
By the way, I’m getting a puppy as soon as I’m backed from Taiwan in early July! My parents have agreed to cover all the cost. I’ve always love animals and animal therapy (dogs, dolphins) has proved to be effective in treating developmental disorder like Autism. For me, it’s a little baby who I can take care of and love it unconditionally. It’s also a companion that keeps me accompanied and away from loneliness and anxiety.
Last words, I’m going to the museum (another of Aspies’ favourite places) in Brisbane with my fellow Aspie friends this weekend! I was going to stay at home and study but I figured that I would be depressed at home hoping that I had gone with them. So I’m going!
A friend with Asperger Syndrome sent me this message that touched a very deep part of my heart:
Hearing you cry on the phone to me was unimaginable distressing. I hope the people you hung up on me were able to get you through this difficult time! I have decided that I will not send the police over to your place and place you under suicide watch. If I’m wrong about this I am cursed for life.
We had the deal that you were going to try the hug machine* tomorrow!
And learn to meditate
And meet Quatermass
And learn to balance on the wobbleboard
And the million other things we talked about
This life is so complex…
Some Aspies** accept that as their doom
But others, for example,
Those who are competent enough to become a dentist
Call me back in the morning
When they are finished mourning
Those precious ideas we had when we dreamed we were normal
*Hug Machine
Invented by Gardin Temple, the most famous autistic person on earth. It is based on the stress relieving effect when cattle squeeze through a pressured tube. Gardin made a hug machine to relieve stress herself. It is now used for anxiety treatment for people with autism, especially children.
**Aspie
People with Asperger Syndrome.
This morning I went to the Gold Coast Sport and Recreation Centre (a place for people with disability) for the first time and met Cheryl, a loving mum with an Asperger son. I was quite scared of her at first, but the way she talked and the way she hugged me opened my little Asperger heart.
She said” I told my son, you are on Mars, I am on Earth. You’ll never come to Earth and I’ll never go to Mars. The only way for us to communicate is to build a bridge in between.”
Her son is now the ambassador of the Australia Paralympics team.
I didn’t get to use the hug machine, because it got damaged by some sneaky animals, but I had a great morning with Aspies and Mum of Aspies. When I was sitting on the lawn with them next to the Gold Coast Sport and Recreation building, although it is just off the road from Queen street, I felt like I’m somewhere far away from Southport, somewhere secure and tranquil. It felt like a shelter.
Saw GP and I’m admitted to psychiatrist again. The waiting list to see a psychiatrist is always incredibly long. I booked in on 14th of July. It’s kind of sad that I’m getting so bad that the GP cannot handle me anymore, but on the other side I’m happy, for some reason. Got two new prescriptions. The GP was going to change my current anti-depressant Pristiq, but I refused because pristiq actually helped me a lot. So he gave me two new drugs to help with anxiety, a beta-blocker and a sleeping pill.
I probably freaked whoever I called last night out (terribly sorry…), but I did my best and I kept myself alive…so I am proud of myself! For years I have been so harsh on myself. I blamed mum for being harsh on me without realising that I’m harsh on myself as well. Now I just want to be myself, live free, and do my best. Whatever happens, I have tried my best, and I’m getting better, slowly.
By the way, I’m getting a puppy as soon as I’m backed from Taiwan in early July! My parents have agreed to cover all the cost. I’ve always love animals and animal therapy (dogs, dolphins) has proved to be effective in treating developmental disorder like Autism. For me, it’s a little baby who I can take care of and love it unconditionally. It’s also a companion that keeps me accompanied and away from loneliness and anxiety.
Last words, I’m going to the museum (another of Aspies’ favourite places) in Brisbane with my fellow Aspie friends this weekend! I was going to stay at home and study but I figured that I would be depressed at home hoping that I had gone with them. So I’m going!
Friday, May 21, 2010
The Bear Flow Chart
.jpg)
Melbi learned more about her hugging addiction with Mikako today.
I wasn't the best patient in the world this afternoon. I couldn't concentrate properly and was quite annoyed by Mikako's questions. It wasn't Mikako's fault, it was me who was too scared to look inside myself and admit and accept it. Those questions sounds simple and straight forward, but it was a horrifying experience.
The first goal Mikako and I set was to overcome my hugging addiction. As simple as it seems, I found it impossible to believe that one day I'll be able to live happy and free without getting hugs. And it is the feeling that makes me understand why it is so hard for Shrav and Matt the quit smoking. It is not just as simple as "quit smoking", the psychological problems behind the addiction is a difficult one to tackle.
Mikako was right. Asking people for hugs is socially unacceptable and can be dangerous sometimes. For me, it is rather embarrasing when asking for hugs, and even worse when I got rejected. Once I thought the addiction itself is not so poisonous, but the addiction is eating me away slowly from time to time.
So Melbi is making a statement here, "I'm quitting my hugging addiction, (XXth attempt) and will not give up until the goal is completely obtained."
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Blame the Patient
My patient cancelled her appointment today.
If she didn't cancel, I would be concentrating on scale and clean her calculus and plaque, and I wouldn't have the big break down this afternoon, and I wouldn't try to hurt myself, and I wouldn't end up in emergency, and people in uni wouldn't know about my conditions.... now everyone know about it... gonna face a thousand questions tomorrow... all because of my patient cancelled her appointment...
Put the blame on the patient =P
I was quite upset about what happened today, but Mikako called me tonight and tell me that it is alright as long as I'm safe. So I felt better. This is what I feel, as long as Mikako is here, there is nothing to be afraid of. This is what I know, as long as I'm still alive, there are every possibilities of happiness. So be brave, and live a proud Aspie life.
Thank you Mikako!
If she didn't cancel, I would be concentrating on scale and clean her calculus and plaque, and I wouldn't have the big break down this afternoon, and I wouldn't try to hurt myself, and I wouldn't end up in emergency, and people in uni wouldn't know about my conditions.... now everyone know about it... gonna face a thousand questions tomorrow... all because of my patient cancelled her appointment...
Put the blame on the patient =P
I was quite upset about what happened today, but Mikako called me tonight and tell me that it is alright as long as I'm safe. So I felt better. This is what I feel, as long as Mikako is here, there is nothing to be afraid of. This is what I know, as long as I'm still alive, there are every possibilities of happiness. So be brave, and live a proud Aspie life.
Thank you Mikako!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The Glass
Melbi is in depressing state, don't ask her why.
Sometimes I wish there is no Asperger, no repetitive speech, no anxiety. Unfortunately there is.
There is me panicking watching people around me talking fluently.
There is me with my mouth wide open but nothing comes out.
There is me trying, squeezing, and finally I said something.
And there's the glass surrounding me, seperating me from the rest of the world.
There's people at the other side of the glass.
I knocked hard on the glass wondering if they would come close and try to hear me.
I knocked so hard but no one respond. So I started panicking, yelling, screaming...and wishing I could break the mind-proof glass...
Sometimes I wish there is no Asperger, no repetitive speech, no anxiety. Unfortunately there is.
There is me panicking watching people around me talking fluently.
There is me with my mouth wide open but nothing comes out.
There is me trying, squeezing, and finally I said something.
And there's the glass surrounding me, seperating me from the rest of the world.
There's people at the other side of the glass.
I knocked hard on the glass wondering if they would come close and try to hear me.
I knocked so hard but no one respond. So I started panicking, yelling, screaming...and wishing I could break the mind-proof glass...
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The Pink Bear needs hugs
.jpg)
This is what I learned today. The session went almost half an hour over time but Mikako was very patient to lead me and didn't charge me any extra.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Melbi Happy Birthday
.jpg)
Today is Melbi’s 22nd birthday.
I met my new psychologist, Mikako, for the first time, and I like her very much. She is very specialised in Asperger Syndrome and uses a visual approach which I have never seen in other psychologist. I also love the environment of her clinic. It’s a green house in the residential area, quiet and homey. I am so happy to have found her. She taught me about the origin of Asperger Syndrome which I’ve never learned before. It is the neurological connection in the brain that is not “typical”. Normal people are called “neurotypical”, Asperger Syndrome is a condition with neuron connection different from typical people. Therefore, Melbi is not “retard”, she is just “special” :D
Out of my expectation, many people in uni said happy birthday to me. Sabrina even said that she’ll organise a celebration for me next weekend. For the first time, I feel that I exist. Thanks everyone!
Mikako taught me something today, but she said I’ll probably forget soon. So she get me to draw what I learned down, which I love! Only wish I can draw better! So I’m gonna put my drawings on the wall and remind myself everyday. Such lovely drawings!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
.jpg)
.jpg)
Monday, May 3, 2010
The Special Melbi and Birthday
Going back to uni tomorrow, feeling anxious as usual.
Tomorrow is a big day. I will meet up with Thea, the disability officer in Griffith Univsersity to see what assistant and benefit I can get from the University. Haha, I got a little thrill when I hear the word “disability”, but I guess I am disabled in many ways. After that I will meet up with Tanya, the assistant administration officer in dental school who has been helping me a lot. She will let me know if there’s anyone in dental or medical school that has the same condition and would like to meet up with me. I thought Asperger was quite common, but I found myself totally wrong after I read “The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome” by Tony Attwood. The prevalence, depends on different diagnostic measure, is generally extremely low ranging from 0.3 per 100000 to 48 per 100000. I feel so special =)
The more I read about Asperger, the more I realised how much disability I have. What I read online before was only a small fraction of Asperger. Tony Attwood’s book gives a real insight into Asperger syndrome and provides me a much better understanding of myself and the condition and ways to cope with it. Thank you Tony for writing the book, I would love to meet you one day!
Just realised, my birthday is coming in 3 days. Oh My God! I don’t even feel it at all...it feels so far away but it’s right in front of me. I guess there won’t really be any celebration as Kolin is far away in Melbourne and I don’t have any close friend in uni. Maybe Vivianne and I can have a small celebration ourselves! What’s better? This is a good excuse for me to get a whole taro birthday cake from Bread Top in Brisbane. Now I’m really exciting!
Tomorrow is a big day. I will meet up with Thea, the disability officer in Griffith Univsersity to see what assistant and benefit I can get from the University. Haha, I got a little thrill when I hear the word “disability”, but I guess I am disabled in many ways. After that I will meet up with Tanya, the assistant administration officer in dental school who has been helping me a lot. She will let me know if there’s anyone in dental or medical school that has the same condition and would like to meet up with me. I thought Asperger was quite common, but I found myself totally wrong after I read “The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome” by Tony Attwood. The prevalence, depends on different diagnostic measure, is generally extremely low ranging from 0.3 per 100000 to 48 per 100000. I feel so special =)
The more I read about Asperger, the more I realised how much disability I have. What I read online before was only a small fraction of Asperger. Tony Attwood’s book gives a real insight into Asperger syndrome and provides me a much better understanding of myself and the condition and ways to cope with it. Thank you Tony for writing the book, I would love to meet you one day!
Just realised, my birthday is coming in 3 days. Oh My God! I don’t even feel it at all...it feels so far away but it’s right in front of me. I guess there won’t really be any celebration as Kolin is far away in Melbourne and I don’t have any close friend in uni. Maybe Vivianne and I can have a small celebration ourselves! What’s better? This is a good excuse for me to get a whole taro birthday cake from Bread Top in Brisbane. Now I’m really exciting!
Exam, Party, Work and Shopping
Examination period will commence in 41 days and Melbi has started her exam revision today.
Guess what? I got invited to a party! Pre-exam party! What the ****? I’m not gonna party before exam! Oh well, I think there will be other party invitations in the future as I improve my social skills.
Got called to work tonight. Have I told you guys about the obese, annoying b**** in my work place? I realised that everyone hates her and the owner is going to sack her soon. Such a relief! I’m not the only one who has problem with her. Manager Yota asked me about “bad” things that she has done and I told him heaps. I felt a bit bad afterwards by saying bad things about others...but also feel happy that the manager knows about her horrible behaviours.
Went to pacific fair in the morning for some retail therapy. Haven’t been shopping for a long time since I’ve been in financial crisis for quite a while for some reason... I got a top from review to match a very pretty skirt I secretly bought (from Review as well) a while ago. Also got a hair band from forever new and some stockings for the winter. Since I spent over $75 in women’s fashion and accessory, I got a free gift from Myer, a scarf by Basque. It sells for $29.95 in Basque store. I planned to give it to Auntie Helen (Kolin’s Mum) when I go to Melbourne next time
Guess what? I got invited to a party! Pre-exam party! What the ****? I’m not gonna party before exam! Oh well, I think there will be other party invitations in the future as I improve my social skills.
Got called to work tonight. Have I told you guys about the obese, annoying b**** in my work place? I realised that everyone hates her and the owner is going to sack her soon. Such a relief! I’m not the only one who has problem with her. Manager Yota asked me about “bad” things that she has done and I told him heaps. I felt a bit bad afterwards by saying bad things about others...but also feel happy that the manager knows about her horrible behaviours.
Went to pacific fair in the morning for some retail therapy. Haven’t been shopping for a long time since I’ve been in financial crisis for quite a while for some reason... I got a top from review to match a very pretty skirt I secretly bought (from Review as well) a while ago. Also got a hair band from forever new and some stockings for the winter. Since I spent over $75 in women’s fashion and accessory, I got a free gift from Myer, a scarf by Basque. It sells for $29.95 in Basque store. I planned to give it to Auntie Helen (Kolin’s Mum) when I go to Melbourne next time
Friday, April 30, 2010
Clinic
The patient didn't showed up because of food poisoning. As usual I was looking for a collegue for me practise scale/clean and fissure sealant. I guess people thought I was wierd to be so keen in doing dental work. Dini asked me in front of everyone "Melbi, why are you so keen in doing work?" I answered "Because I like it."
I was surprised to found David as my patient because I didn't expect him to say yes when I asked. I thought this is gonna be a pleasant job because scale/clean is my favourite, but I was ultimately wrong. There were so many people in my clinic bay watching and talking because they all don't have anything to do. They were talking about a party I don't know and fishing. I panicked and feel awkward, didn't know when I should start dental work.
The work was done with everyone chatting beside me. It was awkward. David didn't want me to apply prophy to polish it. He said that he want an x-ray taken and Sunny did that job.
At the x-ray bay, everyone was talking about the party on Saturday night at Nirmani's place. They asked Sunny (who is only a new student this year) if he wanna come but no one asked me. I was in the crowd, being excluded from the conversation. I face situation like this everyday, so I sort of get used to it, but it still hurts. I comforted myself "It's ok, it's not your fault, one day you'll learn and it'll all be alright."
Then I found peace.
I was surprised to found David as my patient because I didn't expect him to say yes when I asked. I thought this is gonna be a pleasant job because scale/clean is my favourite, but I was ultimately wrong. There were so many people in my clinic bay watching and talking because they all don't have anything to do. They were talking about a party I don't know and fishing. I panicked and feel awkward, didn't know when I should start dental work.
The work was done with everyone chatting beside me. It was awkward. David didn't want me to apply prophy to polish it. He said that he want an x-ray taken and Sunny did that job.
At the x-ray bay, everyone was talking about the party on Saturday night at Nirmani's place. They asked Sunny (who is only a new student this year) if he wanna come but no one asked me. I was in the crowd, being excluded from the conversation. I face situation like this everyday, so I sort of get used to it, but it still hurts. I comforted myself "It's ok, it's not your fault, one day you'll learn and it'll all be alright."
Then I found peace.
I don’t want to go to school
Woke up in the middle of the night, panicking about going to uni in the morning...just like a little kid with Asperger saying to mummy and daddy “I don’t want to go to school” with enormous fear of being rejected again.
I experience social rejections everyday and the worst part is, most of the time I don’t even know why. Every rejection is a sharp knife gliding through my heart and I bear the pain every single day until one day the pain goes beyond the threshold, and I break.
Perhaps escape is an easier option. Perhaps I should just hide away from the crowd. Perhaps I should close my mind and live in imagination forever.
Here I am crying like a baby murmuring “I don’t want to go to school” over and over again, except that there isn’t mummy and daddy beside me hugging and comforting me “baby, it’s gonna be alright...be a brave girl...mummy and daddy are always here to support you.”
I experience social rejections everyday and the worst part is, most of the time I don’t even know why. Every rejection is a sharp knife gliding through my heart and I bear the pain every single day until one day the pain goes beyond the threshold, and I break.
Perhaps escape is an easier option. Perhaps I should just hide away from the crowd. Perhaps I should close my mind and live in imagination forever.
Here I am crying like a baby murmuring “I don’t want to go to school” over and over again, except that there isn’t mummy and daddy beside me hugging and comforting me “baby, it’s gonna be alright...be a brave girl...mummy and daddy are always here to support you.”
The Beginning
Dear Family and Friends,
It has been over 6 months since I was finally diagnosed as Asperger Syndrome, but it is only until recent that I have really started to come to accept the diagnosis and look deeper into it.
Asperger has been with me since the day I was born. I have been searching it for all my life, but when I finally found it, I was too scared to look at it. It is easy to say that I have Asperger Syndrome but it is hard to truly accept it as the whole me.
I’m here to share with you the journey of embracing Asperger Syndrome including daily struggle and happiness along the way and the journey starts today.
It has been over 6 months since I was finally diagnosed as Asperger Syndrome, but it is only until recent that I have really started to come to accept the diagnosis and look deeper into it.
Asperger has been with me since the day I was born. I have been searching it for all my life, but when I finally found it, I was too scared to look at it. It is easy to say that I have Asperger Syndrome but it is hard to truly accept it as the whole me.
I’m here to share with you the journey of embracing Asperger Syndrome including daily struggle and happiness along the way and the journey starts today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)