Neck and back pain are back again. I started wondering if my right trapezius injury had ever fully recovered. Or maybe I should get a new pillow and see how it goes.
I haven’t go shopping for quite a long time and I feel like it’s time to go shopping again! So I’m off to pacific fair either tomorrow after exam or Tuesday. I will get a new pillow and I want to get the most comfortable pillow in the world because with neck and back pain I will not be able to perform any dental procedure. The other thing I want to get is PJs for winter, it’s getting freezing cold here.
I have made a decision that I will get a dog from the pond (where all the abandoned dogs are).
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Hi Valium
So I went to uni, ended up ringing GP for emergency after two hours.
Dr. Thomas had to sacrifice her lunch break to see me.
I got the famous Valium (diazepam) this time. Dr. Thomas would never prescribe such strong drug to me unless she thinks it’s real serious. She also rang up the psychiatrist to request a priority consultation. Normally I had to wait more than one month to see a psychiatrist, but now I get to see the psychiatrist in two weeks time. Dr. Thomas wants me to see her again on Saturday. I booked the earliest appointment at 8:00am so I can still go to museum with my fellow Aspie friends.
So I missed another two lab sessions. I want to go back to the 4-7pm session to finish the edentulous denture. I have no idea why the condition has worsened so much recently…but I am determined to get through this semester.
Last words: I was frightened in uni, even a simple eye contact freaked me out. I guess it is ok if others can’t understand what you’re going through…can’t ask so much from people. At least I have all the Aspies in the world who knows exactly how I feel and my parents and Kolin who support me unconditionally. That’s more than I can ask for.
Dr. Thomas had to sacrifice her lunch break to see me.
I got the famous Valium (diazepam) this time. Dr. Thomas would never prescribe such strong drug to me unless she thinks it’s real serious. She also rang up the psychiatrist to request a priority consultation. Normally I had to wait more than one month to see a psychiatrist, but now I get to see the psychiatrist in two weeks time. Dr. Thomas wants me to see her again on Saturday. I booked the earliest appointment at 8:00am so I can still go to museum with my fellow Aspie friends.
So I missed another two lab sessions. I want to go back to the 4-7pm session to finish the edentulous denture. I have no idea why the condition has worsened so much recently…but I am determined to get through this semester.
Last words: I was frightened in uni, even a simple eye contact freaked me out. I guess it is ok if others can’t understand what you’re going through…can’t ask so much from people. At least I have all the Aspies in the world who knows exactly how I feel and my parents and Kolin who support me unconditionally. That’s more than I can ask for.
The Break Down
Last night I had the biggest break down in three years of University life. I cried for hours and hours continuously, went through every contact on my phonebook to search for help, but made no progress. I had the sharpest kitchen knife on my right hand, facing the pumping artery on my left hand. Tears are running, hands are shaking… I dropped the knife on the floor and call 000 before I can pick the knife up again.
A friend with Asperger Syndrome sent me this message that touched a very deep part of my heart:
Hearing you cry on the phone to me was unimaginable distressing. I hope the people you hung up on me were able to get you through this difficult time! I have decided that I will not send the police over to your place and place you under suicide watch. If I’m wrong about this I am cursed for life.
We had the deal that you were going to try the hug machine* tomorrow!
And learn to meditate
And meet Quatermass
And learn to balance on the wobbleboard
And the million other things we talked about
This life is so complex…
Some Aspies** accept that as their doom
But others, for example,
Those who are competent enough to become a dentist
Call me back in the morning
When they are finished mourning
Those precious ideas we had when we dreamed we were normal
*Hug Machine
Invented by Gardin Temple, the most famous autistic person on earth. It is based on the stress relieving effect when cattle squeeze through a pressured tube. Gardin made a hug machine to relieve stress herself. It is now used for anxiety treatment for people with autism, especially children.
**Aspie
People with Asperger Syndrome.
This morning I went to the Gold Coast Sport and Recreation Centre (a place for people with disability) for the first time and met Cheryl, a loving mum with an Asperger son. I was quite scared of her at first, but the way she talked and the way she hugged me opened my little Asperger heart.
She said” I told my son, you are on Mars, I am on Earth. You’ll never come to Earth and I’ll never go to Mars. The only way for us to communicate is to build a bridge in between.”
Her son is now the ambassador of the Australia Paralympics team.
I didn’t get to use the hug machine, because it got damaged by some sneaky animals, but I had a great morning with Aspies and Mum of Aspies. When I was sitting on the lawn with them next to the Gold Coast Sport and Recreation building, although it is just off the road from Queen street, I felt like I’m somewhere far away from Southport, somewhere secure and tranquil. It felt like a shelter.
Saw GP and I’m admitted to psychiatrist again. The waiting list to see a psychiatrist is always incredibly long. I booked in on 14th of July. It’s kind of sad that I’m getting so bad that the GP cannot handle me anymore, but on the other side I’m happy, for some reason. Got two new prescriptions. The GP was going to change my current anti-depressant Pristiq, but I refused because pristiq actually helped me a lot. So he gave me two new drugs to help with anxiety, a beta-blocker and a sleeping pill.
I probably freaked whoever I called last night out (terribly sorry…), but I did my best and I kept myself alive…so I am proud of myself! For years I have been so harsh on myself. I blamed mum for being harsh on me without realising that I’m harsh on myself as well. Now I just want to be myself, live free, and do my best. Whatever happens, I have tried my best, and I’m getting better, slowly.
By the way, I’m getting a puppy as soon as I’m backed from Taiwan in early July! My parents have agreed to cover all the cost. I’ve always love animals and animal therapy (dogs, dolphins) has proved to be effective in treating developmental disorder like Autism. For me, it’s a little baby who I can take care of and love it unconditionally. It’s also a companion that keeps me accompanied and away from loneliness and anxiety.
Last words, I’m going to the museum (another of Aspies’ favourite places) in Brisbane with my fellow Aspie friends this weekend! I was going to stay at home and study but I figured that I would be depressed at home hoping that I had gone with them. So I’m going!
A friend with Asperger Syndrome sent me this message that touched a very deep part of my heart:
Hearing you cry on the phone to me was unimaginable distressing. I hope the people you hung up on me were able to get you through this difficult time! I have decided that I will not send the police over to your place and place you under suicide watch. If I’m wrong about this I am cursed for life.
We had the deal that you were going to try the hug machine* tomorrow!
And learn to meditate
And meet Quatermass
And learn to balance on the wobbleboard
And the million other things we talked about
This life is so complex…
Some Aspies** accept that as their doom
But others, for example,
Those who are competent enough to become a dentist
Call me back in the morning
When they are finished mourning
Those precious ideas we had when we dreamed we were normal
*Hug Machine
Invented by Gardin Temple, the most famous autistic person on earth. It is based on the stress relieving effect when cattle squeeze through a pressured tube. Gardin made a hug machine to relieve stress herself. It is now used for anxiety treatment for people with autism, especially children.
**Aspie
People with Asperger Syndrome.
This morning I went to the Gold Coast Sport and Recreation Centre (a place for people with disability) for the first time and met Cheryl, a loving mum with an Asperger son. I was quite scared of her at first, but the way she talked and the way she hugged me opened my little Asperger heart.
She said” I told my son, you are on Mars, I am on Earth. You’ll never come to Earth and I’ll never go to Mars. The only way for us to communicate is to build a bridge in between.”
Her son is now the ambassador of the Australia Paralympics team.
I didn’t get to use the hug machine, because it got damaged by some sneaky animals, but I had a great morning with Aspies and Mum of Aspies. When I was sitting on the lawn with them next to the Gold Coast Sport and Recreation building, although it is just off the road from Queen street, I felt like I’m somewhere far away from Southport, somewhere secure and tranquil. It felt like a shelter.
Saw GP and I’m admitted to psychiatrist again. The waiting list to see a psychiatrist is always incredibly long. I booked in on 14th of July. It’s kind of sad that I’m getting so bad that the GP cannot handle me anymore, but on the other side I’m happy, for some reason. Got two new prescriptions. The GP was going to change my current anti-depressant Pristiq, but I refused because pristiq actually helped me a lot. So he gave me two new drugs to help with anxiety, a beta-blocker and a sleeping pill.
I probably freaked whoever I called last night out (terribly sorry…), but I did my best and I kept myself alive…so I am proud of myself! For years I have been so harsh on myself. I blamed mum for being harsh on me without realising that I’m harsh on myself as well. Now I just want to be myself, live free, and do my best. Whatever happens, I have tried my best, and I’m getting better, slowly.
By the way, I’m getting a puppy as soon as I’m backed from Taiwan in early July! My parents have agreed to cover all the cost. I’ve always love animals and animal therapy (dogs, dolphins) has proved to be effective in treating developmental disorder like Autism. For me, it’s a little baby who I can take care of and love it unconditionally. It’s also a companion that keeps me accompanied and away from loneliness and anxiety.
Last words, I’m going to the museum (another of Aspies’ favourite places) in Brisbane with my fellow Aspie friends this weekend! I was going to stay at home and study but I figured that I would be depressed at home hoping that I had gone with them. So I’m going!
Friday, May 21, 2010
The Bear Flow Chart
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Melbi learned more about her hugging addiction with Mikako today.
I wasn't the best patient in the world this afternoon. I couldn't concentrate properly and was quite annoyed by Mikako's questions. It wasn't Mikako's fault, it was me who was too scared to look inside myself and admit and accept it. Those questions sounds simple and straight forward, but it was a horrifying experience.
The first goal Mikako and I set was to overcome my hugging addiction. As simple as it seems, I found it impossible to believe that one day I'll be able to live happy and free without getting hugs. And it is the feeling that makes me understand why it is so hard for Shrav and Matt the quit smoking. It is not just as simple as "quit smoking", the psychological problems behind the addiction is a difficult one to tackle.
Mikako was right. Asking people for hugs is socially unacceptable and can be dangerous sometimes. For me, it is rather embarrasing when asking for hugs, and even worse when I got rejected. Once I thought the addiction itself is not so poisonous, but the addiction is eating me away slowly from time to time.
So Melbi is making a statement here, "I'm quitting my hugging addiction, (XXth attempt) and will not give up until the goal is completely obtained."
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Blame the Patient
My patient cancelled her appointment today.
If she didn't cancel, I would be concentrating on scale and clean her calculus and plaque, and I wouldn't have the big break down this afternoon, and I wouldn't try to hurt myself, and I wouldn't end up in emergency, and people in uni wouldn't know about my conditions.... now everyone know about it... gonna face a thousand questions tomorrow... all because of my patient cancelled her appointment...
Put the blame on the patient =P
I was quite upset about what happened today, but Mikako called me tonight and tell me that it is alright as long as I'm safe. So I felt better. This is what I feel, as long as Mikako is here, there is nothing to be afraid of. This is what I know, as long as I'm still alive, there are every possibilities of happiness. So be brave, and live a proud Aspie life.
Thank you Mikako!
If she didn't cancel, I would be concentrating on scale and clean her calculus and plaque, and I wouldn't have the big break down this afternoon, and I wouldn't try to hurt myself, and I wouldn't end up in emergency, and people in uni wouldn't know about my conditions.... now everyone know about it... gonna face a thousand questions tomorrow... all because of my patient cancelled her appointment...
Put the blame on the patient =P
I was quite upset about what happened today, but Mikako called me tonight and tell me that it is alright as long as I'm safe. So I felt better. This is what I feel, as long as Mikako is here, there is nothing to be afraid of. This is what I know, as long as I'm still alive, there are every possibilities of happiness. So be brave, and live a proud Aspie life.
Thank you Mikako!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The Glass
Melbi is in depressing state, don't ask her why.
Sometimes I wish there is no Asperger, no repetitive speech, no anxiety. Unfortunately there is.
There is me panicking watching people around me talking fluently.
There is me with my mouth wide open but nothing comes out.
There is me trying, squeezing, and finally I said something.
And there's the glass surrounding me, seperating me from the rest of the world.
There's people at the other side of the glass.
I knocked hard on the glass wondering if they would come close and try to hear me.
I knocked so hard but no one respond. So I started panicking, yelling, screaming...and wishing I could break the mind-proof glass...
Sometimes I wish there is no Asperger, no repetitive speech, no anxiety. Unfortunately there is.
There is me panicking watching people around me talking fluently.
There is me with my mouth wide open but nothing comes out.
There is me trying, squeezing, and finally I said something.
And there's the glass surrounding me, seperating me from the rest of the world.
There's people at the other side of the glass.
I knocked hard on the glass wondering if they would come close and try to hear me.
I knocked so hard but no one respond. So I started panicking, yelling, screaming...and wishing I could break the mind-proof glass...
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The Pink Bear needs hugs
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This is what I learned today. The session went almost half an hour over time but Mikako was very patient to lead me and didn't charge me any extra.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Melbi Happy Birthday
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Today is Melbi’s 22nd birthday.
I met my new psychologist, Mikako, for the first time, and I like her very much. She is very specialised in Asperger Syndrome and uses a visual approach which I have never seen in other psychologist. I also love the environment of her clinic. It’s a green house in the residential area, quiet and homey. I am so happy to have found her. She taught me about the origin of Asperger Syndrome which I’ve never learned before. It is the neurological connection in the brain that is not “typical”. Normal people are called “neurotypical”, Asperger Syndrome is a condition with neuron connection different from typical people. Therefore, Melbi is not “retard”, she is just “special” :D
Out of my expectation, many people in uni said happy birthday to me. Sabrina even said that she’ll organise a celebration for me next weekend. For the first time, I feel that I exist. Thanks everyone!
Mikako taught me something today, but she said I’ll probably forget soon. So she get me to draw what I learned down, which I love! Only wish I can draw better! So I’m gonna put my drawings on the wall and remind myself everyday. Such lovely drawings!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
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Monday, May 3, 2010
The Special Melbi and Birthday
Going back to uni tomorrow, feeling anxious as usual.
Tomorrow is a big day. I will meet up with Thea, the disability officer in Griffith Univsersity to see what assistant and benefit I can get from the University. Haha, I got a little thrill when I hear the word “disability”, but I guess I am disabled in many ways. After that I will meet up with Tanya, the assistant administration officer in dental school who has been helping me a lot. She will let me know if there’s anyone in dental or medical school that has the same condition and would like to meet up with me. I thought Asperger was quite common, but I found myself totally wrong after I read “The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome” by Tony Attwood. The prevalence, depends on different diagnostic measure, is generally extremely low ranging from 0.3 per 100000 to 48 per 100000. I feel so special =)
The more I read about Asperger, the more I realised how much disability I have. What I read online before was only a small fraction of Asperger. Tony Attwood’s book gives a real insight into Asperger syndrome and provides me a much better understanding of myself and the condition and ways to cope with it. Thank you Tony for writing the book, I would love to meet you one day!
Just realised, my birthday is coming in 3 days. Oh My God! I don’t even feel it at all...it feels so far away but it’s right in front of me. I guess there won’t really be any celebration as Kolin is far away in Melbourne and I don’t have any close friend in uni. Maybe Vivianne and I can have a small celebration ourselves! What’s better? This is a good excuse for me to get a whole taro birthday cake from Bread Top in Brisbane. Now I’m really exciting!
Tomorrow is a big day. I will meet up with Thea, the disability officer in Griffith Univsersity to see what assistant and benefit I can get from the University. Haha, I got a little thrill when I hear the word “disability”, but I guess I am disabled in many ways. After that I will meet up with Tanya, the assistant administration officer in dental school who has been helping me a lot. She will let me know if there’s anyone in dental or medical school that has the same condition and would like to meet up with me. I thought Asperger was quite common, but I found myself totally wrong after I read “The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome” by Tony Attwood. The prevalence, depends on different diagnostic measure, is generally extremely low ranging from 0.3 per 100000 to 48 per 100000. I feel so special =)
The more I read about Asperger, the more I realised how much disability I have. What I read online before was only a small fraction of Asperger. Tony Attwood’s book gives a real insight into Asperger syndrome and provides me a much better understanding of myself and the condition and ways to cope with it. Thank you Tony for writing the book, I would love to meet you one day!
Just realised, my birthday is coming in 3 days. Oh My God! I don’t even feel it at all...it feels so far away but it’s right in front of me. I guess there won’t really be any celebration as Kolin is far away in Melbourne and I don’t have any close friend in uni. Maybe Vivianne and I can have a small celebration ourselves! What’s better? This is a good excuse for me to get a whole taro birthday cake from Bread Top in Brisbane. Now I’m really exciting!
Exam, Party, Work and Shopping
Examination period will commence in 41 days and Melbi has started her exam revision today.
Guess what? I got invited to a party! Pre-exam party! What the ****? I’m not gonna party before exam! Oh well, I think there will be other party invitations in the future as I improve my social skills.
Got called to work tonight. Have I told you guys about the obese, annoying b**** in my work place? I realised that everyone hates her and the owner is going to sack her soon. Such a relief! I’m not the only one who has problem with her. Manager Yota asked me about “bad” things that she has done and I told him heaps. I felt a bit bad afterwards by saying bad things about others...but also feel happy that the manager knows about her horrible behaviours.
Went to pacific fair in the morning for some retail therapy. Haven’t been shopping for a long time since I’ve been in financial crisis for quite a while for some reason... I got a top from review to match a very pretty skirt I secretly bought (from Review as well) a while ago. Also got a hair band from forever new and some stockings for the winter. Since I spent over $75 in women’s fashion and accessory, I got a free gift from Myer, a scarf by Basque. It sells for $29.95 in Basque store. I planned to give it to Auntie Helen (Kolin’s Mum) when I go to Melbourne next time
Guess what? I got invited to a party! Pre-exam party! What the ****? I’m not gonna party before exam! Oh well, I think there will be other party invitations in the future as I improve my social skills.
Got called to work tonight. Have I told you guys about the obese, annoying b**** in my work place? I realised that everyone hates her and the owner is going to sack her soon. Such a relief! I’m not the only one who has problem with her. Manager Yota asked me about “bad” things that she has done and I told him heaps. I felt a bit bad afterwards by saying bad things about others...but also feel happy that the manager knows about her horrible behaviours.
Went to pacific fair in the morning for some retail therapy. Haven’t been shopping for a long time since I’ve been in financial crisis for quite a while for some reason... I got a top from review to match a very pretty skirt I secretly bought (from Review as well) a while ago. Also got a hair band from forever new and some stockings for the winter. Since I spent over $75 in women’s fashion and accessory, I got a free gift from Myer, a scarf by Basque. It sells for $29.95 in Basque store. I planned to give it to Auntie Helen (Kolin’s Mum) when I go to Melbourne next time
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