Meaning of Life?

What is life all about? I'm so lost.

Change My Name

I seriously want to change my English name, since it's not my legal name yet (just nickname) so it shouldn't be too hard.

I really don't like my current English name, it's old fashioned (granny's name) and stupid.

I like Sophie.

But my bf doesn't want me to change :(

I'll fight him through. Seriously, I'm sick of my own name, both Chinese name and English name. Both very old fashioned and stupid. Sorry parents, I just don't like the name you guys chose.

Happenings

I went back to Dr.Eyears this afternoon for re-evaluation of the suitability of my new medication.

Apparently he didn't think my idea of "taking my dream back" was a good idea. He said that becoming a doctor does not mean finding your meaning of life.

I guess he's partially right, but I'm still going for my dream. And I believe I'll find my answer along the way.

A lot of happenings tomorrow. Clinic, dental material supplementary exam, extra drilling practise session and then Sam's Birthday Party.

I still haven't figure out what I'm going to do with the party. What I'm going to wear and am I going to drink or not. I mean, there's no fun going to a party not drinking. But how do I get home if I drink?

Kumo kept distructing the pee pads when I go to uni. I really don't know what to do about it, he doesn't do it when I'm at home so I can't punish him. He konws it's wrong to destroy the pee pads, but he still do it...just like naughty little kids :P

Dr.Underwood want me to monitor my anxiety level. I would say about a 4.5 in uni, and 3 at home.

Prove

I want to prove something, but I don't know what to prove.

Since the day I rejected the medical offer from the University of Western Sydney, my one and only dream had died.

It was killed by my parents, my bf, the reality, and myself.

I hate reality. I love dreaming. I can dream large and I can do large.

I have proved everyone else on the earth wrong and got offers from medical school. Now what? I rejected it. I didn't stand up for my dream.

Well, I did, but not strong enough.

Do I regret it? It's useless regreting it.

Now I'm confused. Now I don't know what to do with life. I didn't want to be a dentist. I kinda like it because I convinced myself to like it. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. My one and only dream has died, and I can't come up another one.

I killed my dream with my own hands. I can't believe it. I dream for my whole life to be a doctor, and I work my heart out to get it. And I killed it because my parents and bf were against it?

What the ****?

Stupid Melbi, why the **** did you kill your dream? You live upon it! You killed your own life source.

I'm a dreamer, not a realist. Don't tell me to do something for a wealthy and relaxed life, because that's not what I want. If you don't agree, then leave me alone. From now on I'm going to follow my dream, whatever that will be, I will never give it up, ever. I will nurish it till the day it grows tall and strong.

Till the day, my dream come true.

Now, before that, I must study hard and finish the ******* dentistry degree. At least have something that can feed me.

Acceptance

Dr.Underwood said I got to accept autism, got to accept the fact that I'm always going to have great difficulties in socialising, and the fact the life is going to be hard as always. It will get better eventually, but not fast.

It's still quite surreal to me...I mean autism...I still cannot fully accept it.

Neither can my parents.

We're still living in the dream that this kid (me) was born perfectly healthy.

New Medication

I think my new ADHD medication is making me suicidal as the psychiatrist mentioned. I'm feeling quite aweful right now. But no one around me will know. Coz no one around me read my blog. No one cares. Even my bf rarely read it or read it only I tell him to.

It doesn't matter anyway, I have my Kumo.

Actually, it does.

I wish there are someone here hugging me warm and tight.

That's all it matters at this very moment.

But it ain't going to happen, I know that.

And that makes me suicidal.

Comsumed by Loneliness, Again

I feel a huge wave of loneliness coming towards me for the first time since I've got Kumo. I don't know what to do, as usual. Haven't feel like this for a long time. I'm scared that the loneliness will eat me up.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to call my parents. It's not very useful calling my bf in this situation. It's useless calling anyone.

All I need right now is a warm hug.

Won't get any tonight, I know. Sucks.

Hear My Voice

I hope you can hear my voice.

Accept me and like me as who I am.

I hope we can be friends.

Fortnightly Professional Visit Update

So I'm now seeing Dr.Eyears (psychiatrist) and Dr.Underwood (clinical psychologist) on a regular basis, every fortnight, and extra session if needed.

Dr.Eyears Update
It has come to a conclusion that Seroquel wasn't suitable for me. New approach and new medication this time. It's a medication for ADHD called Strattera, hope it'll finally work out.
Dr.Eyears was a bit scared of me when he first saw me as I was acting weird, playing with the puppets in his room and refused to give it back. He has come to a conclusion that I was only doing that because of extremely high level of anxiety. Now I can feel that he's much more comfortable with me. He might not be the best psychiatrist in the world, but I can feel that he's trying his best to do the best for me, and I'm very happy for that. I can feel that he cares about me as a patient and he cares about my future.

Dr.Underwood's Update
Dr.Underwood and I spend most of the session talking about my anxiety at uni. My days at uni for the past one week has not been good. Dr.Underwood talked to me about coping mechanism, and I'm about to test it out from now no, hope it works. Dr.Underwood also asked me to see him again tomorrow. I went back to uni and tried the strategies Dr.Underwood taught me and had a much better uni day than before :)

It's raining again. This is Kumo's second time in his life seeing rain. Last time he was terrified. This time he walked to the balcony and taste, smell and feel the rain. He came back into the house with wet foot, but I didn't mind. Now he knows what rain is :)

Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder if anyone I know in real life actually read this blog. Anyone who has been given this blog by me. If anyone cares enough to spend time to read it. I hope someone does.

Thank you, for caring about me :)

Letter to Dr.Underwood

So Dr.Underwood refused to see me at first as he already has a super long waiting list, but I didn't give up. I talked to him and he told me to send an email summerising my problems. Well, that was a hard task, I have a thousand problems... So this is the email I typed up. Dr.Underwood said it was beautiful and he agreed to see me :)

Hi Dr.Underwood,

I've typed many emails but none of them were brief. Since I'm kinda in a very weird mood. Or I should point out more clearly, suicidal and angry, I should be able to type a very brief email.

I work very hard to achieve what I am today. I look fine from the outside, and maybe fine from the inside too. That's just what I look like, in reality, I'm a big mess, and the biggest threat to myself. I feel strongly that any minute I could done something to screw up whatever I have achieved.

I agree that it is more valuable for you to see kids. I was once a kid too, not too many years ago. And when I was a kid, I wasn't lucky enough to have someone like you to assist me in dealing with life.

I still feel like a kid. I still live in my imaginary animal world. I hope I can be in there forever. I hope I never have to come out. I don't know if I'm strong or weak. Sometimes strong, sometimes weak.

I'm lost in my own forest. And once I give up finding the way and the food, I'll die. Good thing is, I haven't give up yet, because I'm typing this email to you.

There won't be any problem with money, I have talked to my parents about it, and they agree to pay the full amount, and any extras if required.

I'm happy with this email. Very brief.

I look forward for your reply.

Yours sincerely,
***** ****(real name) or Melbi, my name in my world

Note: Dr.Underwood later on stated that he also sees adults.

The Happy Part of My Life

My puppy, Kumo!

Even I'm starving to death after uni, I would still go home instead of dining out, just to see Kumo a bit sooner.

I love him. I love being with animals because they don't pretend. They don't shake their tails while being angry at you. Shaking tails means happy, nothing else. I don't have to dig my brain out to figure out what they're thinking, what they're hiding behind the surface, or what they're implying under the words.

There are no Autism in animals, because every animals are autisitc. They are honest and non-verbal :D

Exhausion

Just like the doctor said, uni takes a whole lot of energy from me. Not listening to lectures or doing lab work, but interacting with people takes a tramendous amount of energy from my brain. Anyway, I don't know how to explain this exactly.

I'm so tired now, from being in uni whole day, from being around people.

Austism sucks.

Running Away

I feel like the little me, running away from the classroom, hiding in a quiet corner of the campus, wishing that she could disappear...

Wishing that she's not where she is.
Wishing that she coulde escape to her own imaginary world, stay there, and feel safe.

University = Hell

I hate uni big time. Every moment I spend here just remind me how disable I am. I feel so isolated here.
I can't stay in prosthetic lab anymore. There are people talking everywhere, and my autistic brain just can't handle it anymore.
But who would understand how I feel? No one.

Uni is hell to me. It's the worst place to be. It's killing me yet keeping me alive.
But who would understand how I feel? No one.

Would you try to understand though?

Supplementary Exam

So I fell into tears after realising that I have failed subjects and there are 3 supplementary exams in the next two days.

Now, I shall study hard for supplementary exams, let go of the past, but not forgetting the lessons, and keep moving forward.

Obstacles are there to strenghten you, to prepare you for a bigger future.