The Break Down

Last night I had the biggest break down in three years of University life. I cried for hours and hours continuously, went through every contact on my phonebook to search for help, but made no progress. I had the sharpest kitchen knife on my right hand, facing the pumping artery on my left hand. Tears are running, hands are shaking… I dropped the knife on the floor and call 000 before I can pick the knife up again.

A friend with Asperger Syndrome sent me this message that touched a very deep part of my heart:

Hearing you cry on the phone to me was unimaginable distressing. I hope the people you hung up on me were able to get you through this difficult time! I have decided that I will not send the police over to your place and place you under suicide watch. If I’m wrong about this I am cursed for life.

We had the deal that you were going to try the hug machine* tomorrow!
And learn to meditate
And meet Quatermass
And learn to balance on the wobbleboard
And the million other things we talked about

This life is so complex…
Some Aspies** accept that as their doom

But others, for example,
Those who are competent enough to become a dentist

Call me back in the morning
When they are finished mourning
Those precious ideas we had when we dreamed we were normal

*Hug Machine
Invented by Gardin Temple, the most famous autistic person on earth. It is based on the stress relieving effect when cattle squeeze through a pressured tube. Gardin made a hug machine to relieve stress herself. It is now used for anxiety treatment for people with autism, especially children.

**Aspie
People with Asperger Syndrome.

This morning I went to the Gold Coast Sport and Recreation Centre (a place for people with disability) for the first time and met Cheryl, a loving mum with an Asperger son. I was quite scared of her at first, but the way she talked and the way she hugged me opened my little Asperger heart.
She said” I told my son, you are on Mars, I am on Earth. You’ll never come to Earth and I’ll never go to Mars. The only way for us to communicate is to build a bridge in between.”
Her son is now the ambassador of the Australia Paralympics team.

I didn’t get to use the hug machine, because it got damaged by some sneaky animals, but I had a great morning with Aspies and Mum of Aspies. When I was sitting on the lawn with them next to the Gold Coast Sport and Recreation building, although it is just off the road from Queen street, I felt like I’m somewhere far away from Southport, somewhere secure and tranquil. It felt like a shelter.

Saw GP and I’m admitted to psychiatrist again. The waiting list to see a psychiatrist is always incredibly long. I booked in on 14th of July. It’s kind of sad that I’m getting so bad that the GP cannot handle me anymore, but on the other side I’m happy, for some reason. Got two new prescriptions. The GP was going to change my current anti-depressant Pristiq, but I refused because pristiq actually helped me a lot. So he gave me two new drugs to help with anxiety, a beta-blocker and a sleeping pill.

I probably freaked whoever I called last night out (terribly sorry…), but I did my best and I kept myself alive…so I am proud of myself! For years I have been so harsh on myself. I blamed mum for being harsh on me without realising that I’m harsh on myself as well. Now I just want to be myself, live free, and do my best. Whatever happens, I have tried my best, and I’m getting better, slowly.

By the way, I’m getting a puppy as soon as I’m backed from Taiwan in early July! My parents have agreed to cover all the cost. I’ve always love animals and animal therapy (dogs, dolphins) has proved to be effective in treating developmental disorder like Autism. For me, it’s a little baby who I can take care of and love it unconditionally. It’s also a companion that keeps me accompanied and away from loneliness and anxiety.

Last words, I’m going to the museum (another of Aspies’ favourite places) in Brisbane with my fellow Aspie friends this weekend! I was going to stay at home and study but I figured that I would be depressed at home hoping that I had gone with them. So I’m going!