The Melbi Spirit, IS BACK!

Melbi's gonna become a great dentist
Melbi's gonna grow strong and independent
Melbi's gonna walk out of depression and anxiety

and become a BIG Melbi who is capable of taking care of herself and others

Melbi refuses to compromise
Melbi refuses to be victimised
Melbi refuses to stay in her comfort zone

Melbi is going to walk out of the shell, become a GIANT Melbi; you can defeat her physically, but never spiritually. NEVER!

I wish I was never born

Dad should have drain half of me down the shower instead of having some warm time with Mum the night I was created.

Green Day Out, Tugun Support Group & Others

I have been feeling totally Aspie and decided to hide myself in my nutshell for the rest of the month. Somehow I managed to give Matthew a call in the morning and he persuaded me to get out of the shell this afternoon to the Green Day Out and Tugun support group. I said alright...but then I got so Aspie and sleepy after lunch and decided to stay in the nut shell...and sleep with Kumo for a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Matt called me again because he didn't see me at the Green Day Out, and then I was like...alright...maybe I really should drag myself out of the Aspie hiding misery. So I went to the Green Day Out with Matt and James, both lovely Aspies :D I bought some stuff and was quite interested in going to yoga again...but can't find anyone to go with me. In my experience, it's not very motivating going to things like yoga by yourself. I was hoping that Matt would go with me, but he wants to go with another guy. Fair enough.

We all headed to the Tugun meeting afterwards. I wasn't feeling well, took two Valium and still feeling distress and anxious. So I left and went to the park next to the meeting place and play on the swing, my favourite childhood activity, and sang songs. I returned just 10 mins before the meeting finishes. Ok...and then I had a break out...I don't want to talk about it because I'm so ashamed of it. I can't believe I said the F word...I would never say the F word... I was so angry suddenly and couldn't control it. Yes, I have serious anger and impulse control and I hate myself for that.

So the day ended pretty lousy, but I didn't regret that I went out. It's good to go out and interact with people. I got home and felt like vomitting really bad, and very drowsy. I called Kolin to ask for help and he asked me if I've forgotten taking any medication which reminded me that I didn't take anti-depressant this morning. There you go! Still feeling very sick, so I'll end it here.

Oh, last words, sucks that there's no female Aspie at Tugun meeting. There's one mature lady but she just talked to other parents in another room and didn't join our conversation. I hope the "teddy bear girl" will eventually show up! I want to meet female Aspie...afterall, male Aspie is quite different from female Aspie.

Maze & Map

I wish there's a map for this big complicated maze, at least I'll know where I am going.

Maze after maze. I walked out of a maze only to realise that I'm still in a maze.

It will probably be easier if I have a map, but I'll have to figure out where I am on the map first.

22 years...sometimes I feel that I'll never be able to walk out of this maze and embrace the freedom.

But I must not give up yet.

Exhausted

I'm exhausted. I'm sick of dealing with myself. I just want to rest, or escape.

Why can't I just escape all these like other people do? Smoking, drinking, drugging...

Or just quit uni...

Or just end it all...

Which one is better? The bottom line is, I don't want to deal with it anymore. I give up fighting for now. You hear me? I give up. I don't want to go to psychologist anymore. I don't want to take medication. I don't want to do a thing. I had enough.

Give me a break. After fighting for 10 years, I need a break. Just let me rest.

Thanks guys!

Hey guys,

Not sure how many people are reading this, but I've actually been quite unwell for the past month. I just failed lab exam which is quite upsetting, and didn't do well in drilling exam as well, but I've decided to keep my spirit up! Many high functioning Aspies I knew didn't finished uni because of all the social issues and psychological complications, but some of them did and accomplished great achievement. I want to do Aspies proud, finish dentistry and become a respected dentist.

Special thanks for those who has been helping me with uni stuff, lecture notes, lab notes, workshop answers, revision notes, and encouragement.

Special thanks for those who comforted me on the phone while I was crying like a baby.

Special thanks for those who never left me until I found peace and happiness.

And special special special thanks for my parents who gave me the best gift - Kumo - my puppy which has been a great and loving accompany!

Because of you that I have the courage to keep my head up and step forward with faith. Thank you all!