Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder if anyone I know in real life actually read this blog. Anyone who has been given this blog by me. If anyone cares enough to spend time to read it. I hope someone does.

Thank you, for caring about me :)

Letter to Dr.Underwood

So Dr.Underwood refused to see me at first as he already has a super long waiting list, but I didn't give up. I talked to him and he told me to send an email summerising my problems. Well, that was a hard task, I have a thousand problems... So this is the email I typed up. Dr.Underwood said it was beautiful and he agreed to see me :)

Hi Dr.Underwood,

I've typed many emails but none of them were brief. Since I'm kinda in a very weird mood. Or I should point out more clearly, suicidal and angry, I should be able to type a very brief email.

I work very hard to achieve what I am today. I look fine from the outside, and maybe fine from the inside too. That's just what I look like, in reality, I'm a big mess, and the biggest threat to myself. I feel strongly that any minute I could done something to screw up whatever I have achieved.

I agree that it is more valuable for you to see kids. I was once a kid too, not too many years ago. And when I was a kid, I wasn't lucky enough to have someone like you to assist me in dealing with life.

I still feel like a kid. I still live in my imaginary animal world. I hope I can be in there forever. I hope I never have to come out. I don't know if I'm strong or weak. Sometimes strong, sometimes weak.

I'm lost in my own forest. And once I give up finding the way and the food, I'll die. Good thing is, I haven't give up yet, because I'm typing this email to you.

There won't be any problem with money, I have talked to my parents about it, and they agree to pay the full amount, and any extras if required.

I'm happy with this email. Very brief.

I look forward for your reply.

Yours sincerely,
***** ****(real name) or Melbi, my name in my world

Note: Dr.Underwood later on stated that he also sees adults.

The Happy Part of My Life

My puppy, Kumo!

Even I'm starving to death after uni, I would still go home instead of dining out, just to see Kumo a bit sooner.

I love him. I love being with animals because they don't pretend. They don't shake their tails while being angry at you. Shaking tails means happy, nothing else. I don't have to dig my brain out to figure out what they're thinking, what they're hiding behind the surface, or what they're implying under the words.

There are no Autism in animals, because every animals are autisitc. They are honest and non-verbal :D

Exhausion

Just like the doctor said, uni takes a whole lot of energy from me. Not listening to lectures or doing lab work, but interacting with people takes a tramendous amount of energy from my brain. Anyway, I don't know how to explain this exactly.

I'm so tired now, from being in uni whole day, from being around people.

Austism sucks.

Running Away

I feel like the little me, running away from the classroom, hiding in a quiet corner of the campus, wishing that she could disappear...

Wishing that she's not where she is.
Wishing that she coulde escape to her own imaginary world, stay there, and feel safe.

University = Hell

I hate uni big time. Every moment I spend here just remind me how disable I am. I feel so isolated here.
I can't stay in prosthetic lab anymore. There are people talking everywhere, and my autistic brain just can't handle it anymore.
But who would understand how I feel? No one.

Uni is hell to me. It's the worst place to be. It's killing me yet keeping me alive.
But who would understand how I feel? No one.

Would you try to understand though?

Supplementary Exam

So I fell into tears after realising that I have failed subjects and there are 3 supplementary exams in the next two days.

Now, I shall study hard for supplementary exams, let go of the past, but not forgetting the lessons, and keep moving forward.

Obstacles are there to strenghten you, to prepare you for a bigger future.

The Melbi Spirit, IS BACK!

Melbi's gonna become a great dentist
Melbi's gonna grow strong and independent
Melbi's gonna walk out of depression and anxiety

and become a BIG Melbi who is capable of taking care of herself and others

Melbi refuses to compromise
Melbi refuses to be victimised
Melbi refuses to stay in her comfort zone

Melbi is going to walk out of the shell, become a GIANT Melbi; you can defeat her physically, but never spiritually. NEVER!

I wish I was never born

Dad should have drain half of me down the shower instead of having some warm time with Mum the night I was created.

Green Day Out, Tugun Support Group & Others

I have been feeling totally Aspie and decided to hide myself in my nutshell for the rest of the month. Somehow I managed to give Matthew a call in the morning and he persuaded me to get out of the shell this afternoon to the Green Day Out and Tugun support group. I said alright...but then I got so Aspie and sleepy after lunch and decided to stay in the nut shell...and sleep with Kumo for a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Matt called me again because he didn't see me at the Green Day Out, and then I was like...alright...maybe I really should drag myself out of the Aspie hiding misery. So I went to the Green Day Out with Matt and James, both lovely Aspies :D I bought some stuff and was quite interested in going to yoga again...but can't find anyone to go with me. In my experience, it's not very motivating going to things like yoga by yourself. I was hoping that Matt would go with me, but he wants to go with another guy. Fair enough.

We all headed to the Tugun meeting afterwards. I wasn't feeling well, took two Valium and still feeling distress and anxious. So I left and went to the park next to the meeting place and play on the swing, my favourite childhood activity, and sang songs. I returned just 10 mins before the meeting finishes. Ok...and then I had a break out...I don't want to talk about it because I'm so ashamed of it. I can't believe I said the F word...I would never say the F word... I was so angry suddenly and couldn't control it. Yes, I have serious anger and impulse control and I hate myself for that.

So the day ended pretty lousy, but I didn't regret that I went out. It's good to go out and interact with people. I got home and felt like vomitting really bad, and very drowsy. I called Kolin to ask for help and he asked me if I've forgotten taking any medication which reminded me that I didn't take anti-depressant this morning. There you go! Still feeling very sick, so I'll end it here.

Oh, last words, sucks that there's no female Aspie at Tugun meeting. There's one mature lady but she just talked to other parents in another room and didn't join our conversation. I hope the "teddy bear girl" will eventually show up! I want to meet female Aspie...afterall, male Aspie is quite different from female Aspie.

Maze & Map

I wish there's a map for this big complicated maze, at least I'll know where I am going.

Maze after maze. I walked out of a maze only to realise that I'm still in a maze.

It will probably be easier if I have a map, but I'll have to figure out where I am on the map first.

22 years...sometimes I feel that I'll never be able to walk out of this maze and embrace the freedom.

But I must not give up yet.

Exhausted

I'm exhausted. I'm sick of dealing with myself. I just want to rest, or escape.

Why can't I just escape all these like other people do? Smoking, drinking, drugging...

Or just quit uni...

Or just end it all...

Which one is better? The bottom line is, I don't want to deal with it anymore. I give up fighting for now. You hear me? I give up. I don't want to go to psychologist anymore. I don't want to take medication. I don't want to do a thing. I had enough.

Give me a break. After fighting for 10 years, I need a break. Just let me rest.