Retreat to fantasy, when the reality is too painful to believe.
I wish I can stay in there forever, where there's only happiness and peace.
I wish I can stay in there forever,
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Change of Routine
The stress created by change of routine on austistic people is well-known, but I've never realised if change of routine has any particular effect on me until today.
My clinical partner, Olivia, was sick.
Stef and Renee helped me out. They were both very nice people. I like them. However, the change of DA created an unbelievable stress. After a while, Stef has to see her patient, so Julien helped out. Julien is really good, he taught me a lot of techniques. However, the second change totally killed me. My stress level soared to 9/10.
Glad it's over now.
Autism sucks. It really does.
They are times that I can ignore it, and there are times, like today, I just cannot deny it anymore. It's there. I'm autistic.
My clinical partner, Olivia, was sick.
Stef and Renee helped me out. They were both very nice people. I like them. However, the change of DA created an unbelievable stress. After a while, Stef has to see her patient, so Julien helped out. Julien is really good, he taught me a lot of techniques. However, the second change totally killed me. My stress level soared to 9/10.
Glad it's over now.
Autism sucks. It really does.
They are times that I can ignore it, and there are times, like today, I just cannot deny it anymore. It's there. I'm autistic.
Moving House
I feel so fucking lonely. Haven't feel like this for quite a while. Depressed and angry.
I'm moving house, and I'm all alone. Rarely anyone offers help and if they do, I can't tell if they're genuine or just being polite. Stupid Aspergers.
Seeing people in uni just stresses me to the max.
I tried and then I just feel so angry towards my inability of socialising.
I'll never be part of any group, it's just in my dream, forever.
Sometimes I wish I don't have to wake up and face the reality, the disability.
The disability that no one can see and no one really cares.
At this very moment, I wish I am not an Aspie. At this very moment, I cannot deny it anymore. It's there, I can feel it, I can see it. It's inside me, it's the whole me.
I hate it.
I hate it that no one can sympathised with it... I hate it that no one can see through Asperger.
Except for him, who sees through all the disability and sees the real me.
I'm moving house, and I'm all alone. Rarely anyone offers help and if they do, I can't tell if they're genuine or just being polite. Stupid Aspergers.
Seeing people in uni just stresses me to the max.
I tried and then I just feel so angry towards my inability of socialising.
I'll never be part of any group, it's just in my dream, forever.
Sometimes I wish I don't have to wake up and face the reality, the disability.
The disability that no one can see and no one really cares.
At this very moment, I wish I am not an Aspie. At this very moment, I cannot deny it anymore. It's there, I can feel it, I can see it. It's inside me, it's the whole me.
I hate it.
I hate it that no one can sympathised with it... I hate it that no one can see through Asperger.
Except for him, who sees through all the disability and sees the real me.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Change My Name
I seriously want to change my English name, since it's not my legal name yet (just nickname) so it shouldn't be too hard.
I really don't like my current English name, it's old fashioned (granny's name) and stupid.
I like Sophie.
But my bf doesn't want me to change :(
I'll fight him through. Seriously, I'm sick of my own name, both Chinese name and English name. Both very old fashioned and stupid. Sorry parents, I just don't like the name you guys chose.
I really don't like my current English name, it's old fashioned (granny's name) and stupid.
I like Sophie.
But my bf doesn't want me to change :(
I'll fight him through. Seriously, I'm sick of my own name, both Chinese name and English name. Both very old fashioned and stupid. Sorry parents, I just don't like the name you guys chose.
Happenings
I went back to Dr.Eyears this afternoon for re-evaluation of the suitability of my new medication.
Apparently he didn't think my idea of "taking my dream back" was a good idea. He said that becoming a doctor does not mean finding your meaning of life.
I guess he's partially right, but I'm still going for my dream. And I believe I'll find my answer along the way.
A lot of happenings tomorrow. Clinic, dental material supplementary exam, extra drilling practise session and then Sam's Birthday Party.
I still haven't figure out what I'm going to do with the party. What I'm going to wear and am I going to drink or not. I mean, there's no fun going to a party not drinking. But how do I get home if I drink?
Kumo kept distructing the pee pads when I go to uni. I really don't know what to do about it, he doesn't do it when I'm at home so I can't punish him. He konws it's wrong to destroy the pee pads, but he still do it...just like naughty little kids :P
Dr.Underwood want me to monitor my anxiety level. I would say about a 4.5 in uni, and 3 at home.
Apparently he didn't think my idea of "taking my dream back" was a good idea. He said that becoming a doctor does not mean finding your meaning of life.
I guess he's partially right, but I'm still going for my dream. And I believe I'll find my answer along the way.
A lot of happenings tomorrow. Clinic, dental material supplementary exam, extra drilling practise session and then Sam's Birthday Party.
I still haven't figure out what I'm going to do with the party. What I'm going to wear and am I going to drink or not. I mean, there's no fun going to a party not drinking. But how do I get home if I drink?
Kumo kept distructing the pee pads when I go to uni. I really don't know what to do about it, he doesn't do it when I'm at home so I can't punish him. He konws it's wrong to destroy the pee pads, but he still do it...just like naughty little kids :P
Dr.Underwood want me to monitor my anxiety level. I would say about a 4.5 in uni, and 3 at home.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Prove
I want to prove something, but I don't know what to prove.
Since the day I rejected the medical offer from the University of Western Sydney, my one and only dream had died.
It was killed by my parents, my bf, the reality, and myself.
I hate reality. I love dreaming. I can dream large and I can do large.
I have proved everyone else on the earth wrong and got offers from medical school. Now what? I rejected it. I didn't stand up for my dream.
Well, I did, but not strong enough.
Do I regret it? It's useless regreting it.
Now I'm confused. Now I don't know what to do with life. I didn't want to be a dentist. I kinda like it because I convinced myself to like it. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. My one and only dream has died, and I can't come up another one.
I killed my dream with my own hands. I can't believe it. I dream for my whole life to be a doctor, and I work my heart out to get it. And I killed it because my parents and bf were against it?
What the ****?
Stupid Melbi, why the **** did you kill your dream? You live upon it! You killed your own life source.
I'm a dreamer, not a realist. Don't tell me to do something for a wealthy and relaxed life, because that's not what I want. If you don't agree, then leave me alone. From now on I'm going to follow my dream, whatever that will be, I will never give it up, ever. I will nurish it till the day it grows tall and strong.
Till the day, my dream come true.
Now, before that, I must study hard and finish the ******* dentistry degree. At least have something that can feed me.
Since the day I rejected the medical offer from the University of Western Sydney, my one and only dream had died.
It was killed by my parents, my bf, the reality, and myself.
I hate reality. I love dreaming. I can dream large and I can do large.
I have proved everyone else on the earth wrong and got offers from medical school. Now what? I rejected it. I didn't stand up for my dream.
Well, I did, but not strong enough.
Do I regret it? It's useless regreting it.
Now I'm confused. Now I don't know what to do with life. I didn't want to be a dentist. I kinda like it because I convinced myself to like it. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. My one and only dream has died, and I can't come up another one.
I killed my dream with my own hands. I can't believe it. I dream for my whole life to be a doctor, and I work my heart out to get it. And I killed it because my parents and bf were against it?
What the ****?
Stupid Melbi, why the **** did you kill your dream? You live upon it! You killed your own life source.
I'm a dreamer, not a realist. Don't tell me to do something for a wealthy and relaxed life, because that's not what I want. If you don't agree, then leave me alone. From now on I'm going to follow my dream, whatever that will be, I will never give it up, ever. I will nurish it till the day it grows tall and strong.
Till the day, my dream come true.
Now, before that, I must study hard and finish the ******* dentistry degree. At least have something that can feed me.
Acceptance
Dr.Underwood said I got to accept autism, got to accept the fact that I'm always going to have great difficulties in socialising, and the fact the life is going to be hard as always. It will get better eventually, but not fast.
It's still quite surreal to me...I mean autism...I still cannot fully accept it.
Neither can my parents.
We're still living in the dream that this kid (me) was born perfectly healthy.
It's still quite surreal to me...I mean autism...I still cannot fully accept it.
Neither can my parents.
We're still living in the dream that this kid (me) was born perfectly healthy.
New Medication
I think my new ADHD medication is making me suicidal as the psychiatrist mentioned. I'm feeling quite aweful right now. But no one around me will know. Coz no one around me read my blog. No one cares. Even my bf rarely read it or read it only I tell him to.
It doesn't matter anyway, I have my Kumo.
Actually, it does.
I wish there are someone here hugging me warm and tight.
That's all it matters at this very moment.
But it ain't going to happen, I know that.
And that makes me suicidal.
It doesn't matter anyway, I have my Kumo.
Actually, it does.
I wish there are someone here hugging me warm and tight.
That's all it matters at this very moment.
But it ain't going to happen, I know that.
And that makes me suicidal.
Comsumed by Loneliness, Again
I feel a huge wave of loneliness coming towards me for the first time since I've got Kumo. I don't know what to do, as usual. Haven't feel like this for a long time. I'm scared that the loneliness will eat me up.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to call my parents. It's not very useful calling my bf in this situation. It's useless calling anyone.
All I need right now is a warm hug.
Won't get any tonight, I know. Sucks.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to call my parents. It's not very useful calling my bf in this situation. It's useless calling anyone.
All I need right now is a warm hug.
Won't get any tonight, I know. Sucks.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Hear My Voice
I hope you can hear my voice.
Accept me and like me as who I am.
I hope we can be friends.
Accept me and like me as who I am.
I hope we can be friends.
Fortnightly Professional Visit Update
So I'm now seeing Dr.Eyears (psychiatrist) and Dr.Underwood (clinical psychologist) on a regular basis, every fortnight, and extra session if needed.
Dr.Eyears Update
It has come to a conclusion that Seroquel wasn't suitable for me. New approach and new medication this time. It's a medication for ADHD called Strattera, hope it'll finally work out.
Dr.Eyears was a bit scared of me when he first saw me as I was acting weird, playing with the puppets in his room and refused to give it back. He has come to a conclusion that I was only doing that because of extremely high level of anxiety. Now I can feel that he's much more comfortable with me. He might not be the best psychiatrist in the world, but I can feel that he's trying his best to do the best for me, and I'm very happy for that. I can feel that he cares about me as a patient and he cares about my future.
Dr.Underwood's Update
Dr.Underwood and I spend most of the session talking about my anxiety at uni. My days at uni for the past one week has not been good. Dr.Underwood talked to me about coping mechanism, and I'm about to test it out from now no, hope it works. Dr.Underwood also asked me to see him again tomorrow. I went back to uni and tried the strategies Dr.Underwood taught me and had a much better uni day than before :)
It's raining again. This is Kumo's second time in his life seeing rain. Last time he was terrified. This time he walked to the balcony and taste, smell and feel the rain. He came back into the house with wet foot, but I didn't mind. Now he knows what rain is :)
Dr.Eyears Update
It has come to a conclusion that Seroquel wasn't suitable for me. New approach and new medication this time. It's a medication for ADHD called Strattera, hope it'll finally work out.
Dr.Eyears was a bit scared of me when he first saw me as I was acting weird, playing with the puppets in his room and refused to give it back. He has come to a conclusion that I was only doing that because of extremely high level of anxiety. Now I can feel that he's much more comfortable with me. He might not be the best psychiatrist in the world, but I can feel that he's trying his best to do the best for me, and I'm very happy for that. I can feel that he cares about me as a patient and he cares about my future.
Dr.Underwood's Update
Dr.Underwood and I spend most of the session talking about my anxiety at uni. My days at uni for the past one week has not been good. Dr.Underwood talked to me about coping mechanism, and I'm about to test it out from now no, hope it works. Dr.Underwood also asked me to see him again tomorrow. I went back to uni and tried the strategies Dr.Underwood taught me and had a much better uni day than before :)
It's raining again. This is Kumo's second time in his life seeing rain. Last time he was terrified. This time he walked to the balcony and taste, smell and feel the rain. He came back into the house with wet foot, but I didn't mind. Now he knows what rain is :)
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